Whatever you give a woman...

One of the more irksome quotes floating around on Facebook lately has been this:

"WHATEVER you give a WOMAN, she will MAKE it GREATER. Give her SPERM, she will give you a BABY. Give her a HOUSE, she will give you a HOME. Give her GROCERIES, she will give you a MEAL. Give her LOVE and she will give you her HEART! She MULTIPLIES and ENLARGES what she is GIVEN. So, if you GIVE her CRAP, be PREPARED to RECEIVE a TON OF SHIT! ahaha...I hope to see every girl on my friends list re-post this."

Originally a quote by Erick S. Gray that was mildly amusing when taken in context, overuse of the quote and capslock has morphed this quote. When I read it, all I can see is a disembodied voice congratulating women for being universal ATMs that work in a whimsical, inconsistent and rather disturbing way: put in food, out comes meal. Put in house, out comes home (...). Put in love, out comes heart(?). Put in crap, out comes more crap (??) and put in sperm, and out comes babies(well, sometimes). This causes me to envision a world in which sperm has become the main currency* and is popularly used on the blackmarket to purchase children. But I digress. While the quote may have some resonance for some women, it certainly isn't universal for womankind and I hope I won't have to see every one of my friends (male or female) repost this. I've created a counter-quote which has far more resonance for me:

"Give me SPERM, and I will avert my eyes and walk away QUICKLY. Give me a HOUSE, and I will be confused because I ALREADY HAVE ONE. Give me GROCERIES and I will ask you why you aren't making your own damn MEAL. Give me LOVE and I may give you LOVE in return (but probably not a HEART transplant). I hope to see every person on my friends list make up their own statuses for once so they don't have to repost things that sound CLEVER but really make no SENSE and have GRATUITOUS overuse of CAPSLOCK."


*and oh what an interesting life that would be. I don't even want to go into the consequences of sperm-currency.