When the internet was first formed*, everyone*** rejoiced at the magical creation, unaware of the most certain doom that would result from its creation. Innocently created as another medium for communication, the internet quickly became associated with dangerous and immoral things, such as stolen identity, pornography, and the sale of canned unicorn meat ('excellent source of sparkles!'). Having taken away our need to leave the house for food, clothing, immoral activities, or social interaction, the internet effectively groomed a generation of humans whose abilities do not exceed the frightening dexterity required to drink, eat, and operate a laptop mouse-pad at the same time.
Now, the creators of the internet could easily have seen these results coming. But what no one could have predicted was the incredible opportunities for passive-aggressive behaviour the internet has provided us with. There was a time not so long ago when passive-aggressive attacks didn't extend beyond intentionally taking 3 hours to put up a shower curtain because you secretly felt your roommate should be doing it for you. Now, the internet has reached a point where you can:
-write a passive-aggressive facebook post attacking an unnamed person for their unreasonable criticism of your inability to care for your cat (you know who you are!!!)
-have a several-week-long email fight with a coworker about whose job it is to refill the photocopier paper with cleverly placed patronizing emoticons preventing you from ever having to admit that you're fighting ('see the smiley face? it mean's I'm kidding!).
-document said email 'conversation' and dedicating a youtube episode to it because you know you're right
-write an impassioned blog post implying that all your facebook friends mindlessly re-post any patronizing, anti-feminist quote they find mildly clever whilst simultaneously suggesting that you are the only one who was smart enough to a) realize the true meaning of it AND/OR b)figure out where the quote originated.
-even greater still, one of the targets of your blog post will inevitably be reading your blog, unbeknownst to you, and will then apologize to you via facebook for posting such a silly quote without admitting that they have read your blog, thusly secretly accusing you of the sin of passive-agressivity*****. You can then up the ante by writing a follow-up blog post discussing passive-aggressive behaviour without ever having to admit that you are the one doing it, which is sort of apologetic if you read it in the right tone (it's meta-meta-meta narrative!).
In the end, this is much more effective in creating enemies than failing to put up a shower curtain ever was. I'm surprised that more wars don't get started this way.
*There are several vague and highly contested theories on how this happened, much like Genesis. I believe that it came about when two free-range phonelines pushed up against eachother like techtonic plates. Others believe that it is actually created by human beings and that the scientific tectonic phone-line theory was created in order to test our faith in humanity**.
**of course, the content on the internet is itself a much greater test of my faith in humanity.
***like maybe the 13 people who knew about it
****These are most definitely all facts. I took a Computer Science course on website building two years ago when I realized Biology was not the only science I could take in university. So I know these things.
*****Which is totally a word.
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