The Eleshirt

When my boyfriend first showed me a picture of the Eleshirt he wanted me to make for him, I thought ah, what a hilarious and unique way of ending a relationship. As everyone knows, the number one key to keeping a relationship alive is to never bring sweaters into it.

There are two main ways to end a relationship using sweaters. In one scenario, one party of the relationship becomes far too attached to a noteably dorky sweater. In newer relationships, this simply means that the offended party will conveniently 'lose' the ugly sweater party's phone number, thus saving them both the pain and embarrassment of having to appear in public together with said sweater. In a more committed relationship, the offended party will either be ridiculed by his or her friends for allowing the ugly sweater party to continue wearing said sweater, or the offended party will take matters into their own hands and conveniently destroy the sweater in the wash. The loss of this sweater will haunt the ugly sweater party, betray the sense of trust in the relationship, and ultimately allow the relationship to fall apart altogether.

In another scenario, the Offending Party will knit, sew, or otherwise create an ugly sweater and then give it to the Offended Party as a gift. The Offended Party must thusly either be overjoyed with the sweater and appear in public wearing it, or end the relationship immediately. If the Offended Party goes with the former option, his or her willpower will be slowly worn down by the inevitable torment that he or she will suffer at the hands of non-sweater-wearing parties (ie Everyone Else), and will eventually destroy the sweater out of shame, thusly destroying the sense of trust harboured between the Offending and Offended parties, the strain of which will ultimately end the relationship.

Some of the greatest relationships have ended over sweaters. Little known fact: There was a scene at the beginning of Gone With the Wind in which Rhett Butler shows up to the Twelve Oaks Plantation Barbecue in a dorky sweater which one of his Ladies of Scandal had given him the day before. Seeing Rhett in the offending garment, Scarlett decides she can never be seen with this man again. The following 25 years of pursuit on Rhett's part and avoidance on Scarlett's are entirely based on this incident, and not on Rhett's unfortunate reputation. However, the producers of the movie realized that this issue would hit far too close to home for most of its viewers, and decided to cut the scene in order to avoid suffering their audience undue emotional trauma.

When someone says to me "I'd like you to make me the kind of sweater that my mother would have forced me to wear in third grade and which will probably give you nightmares forever, and yes I will wear it in public," I have to wonder how exactly he thinks this fashion choice will pan out.

Regardless of how awe-inspiring it is, the Eleshirt provides a trifecta of sweater complications, because not only is it a dorky sweater which Colin will most likely insist on wearing in public and in my presence (see Scenario 1), but it is also a dorky sweater which I have made for him and so he has to wear it in public (see Scenario 2).

Most importantly, aside from the small number of guys who also live on bodybuilder and will recognize the eleshirt as a tribute to an internet meme, everyone will see Colin in this shirt and will see me standing next to him and will assume that I have forced my boyfriend to dress like a five-year-old. Pedestrians will lean over to him and whisper "Get out while you still can" as they walk by. I will have to make myself a large shirt with an explanation of why I have made this eleshirt* so that I can escape all blame.



*In exchange for a free movie ticket to watch a half naked blonde Norse god fall in love with Natalie Portman and then smash a lot of things with a hammer.

**I must also say that the crafting community deserves to see more tutorials done by this guy.