This is why I should never be left unattended

Actually, there are many reasons why I should never be left unattended, especially near bodies of water deep enough to submerge a body in, or near anything that effectively tampers with the natural pigmentation of hair, skin, or clothing. I still remember the day my cousin and I were out walking near the man-made lake by her house and how hard it was to explain my logic to her father after we returned half an hour later drenched in lake-water with our shoes full of mud. And then, after Spring Break '07, during which I locked myself in my dorm room for several days drawing multicoloured vines all over my body, my sister sent my roommate an email politely requesting that she never let me near permanent markers of any colour ever again.


Yesterday, I was dashing through Safeway on an expedition for unsalted butter when I suddenly became entranced by the hair-dye aisle. On a rather unexpected whim, I grabbed a bottle of Ultra Blonde Hair Dye with the thought that, even though only posers, Hooters waitresses, and fashion-forward young people who like to imitate styles from the late 80's in an ironic way go blond these days and even though there are many things that can go horribly wrong when one tries to go blond, I would really enjoy doing just that.

Alright, things didn't exactly go horribly wrong, but only kind of strangely wrong. First off, having bought a bottle of lightening dye that didn't actually have any bleach in it, I did not manage to achieve true blondness, but only succeeded in lightening my light-brown hair to slightly lighter brown hair with a large white patch where my purple 'peekaboo low-lights' used to be. Secondly, and more importantly, there are some small and random patches of my hair that managed to evade the hair-dye altogether and keep their original colour, giving me the multi-tonal brown hair of a woodland creature. I am excited to use my woodland creature hair for camouflage the next time I have the urge to build a nest in the forest during bear season, but I feel the effect will be somewhat lost by the fact that only the top half of my head will blend into the underbrush.

I will say that I quite like that one little patch of white where the purple used to be, though. Clearly, the only way to handle this situation is to style my hair with such a horrifyingly deep side-part that it looks like I have a massive comb-over, thusly showing off my white-blond patch of hair to its best advantage.