Sidewalk Rage: The Gateway Rage

First, I would like to explain the etiquette of law-breaking. If you're going to break the law, be as polite as possible while doing it. For instance, if you're going to ride your adult-sized bicycle on the sidewalk, bear in mind that this is highly illegal, and that any passing cop could ticket you for it. Be polite and allow the pedestrians (the rightful owners of the sidewalk) to have the right-of-way.

If you are cycling down a sidewalk highly frequented by pedestrians, onto which many sweaty, caffeine-high students often appear unexpectedly from any number of doors branching off from the University gym and cafe next door, don't assume that the pedestrians are going to respect your misguided assumption that this sidewalk doubles as the superway for your highly impractical non-winterized single-speed roadbike with idiotically smooth tires the size of my pinky-finger. You won't survive.

I was minding my own business, wandering down the sidewalk, struggling to support the weight of the backpack that was slung impractically (BUT PERFECTLY LEGALLY!) over one shoulder when I was struck full-force on the elbow by an overzealous cyclist. This cyclist then politely asked me to "choose one side of the sidewalk or the other, you fucker"*. I had just consumed an impractically large (BUT PERFECTLY LEGAL) mocha latté. Tensions were high. So I shouted back -- incredibly impolitely (BUT PERFECTLY LEGALLY) -- "get off the sidewalk, you fucker!" I then rolled up my sleeves and prepared to engage in fisticuffs (which may or may not have been legal). Unsurprisingly this cowardly law-breaker chose to continue slip-sliding down the snowy sidewalk while shouting obscenities and erroneous statements such as "I can ******* drive wherever I ******* want you stupid **** ****! ****!!!" Then, he fell over into a snowdrift*.

Moral of this story: don't ride on the sidewalk. You'll end up in a snowdrift. Also I'll hate you forever.

*I might add that I know (from illegal but INCREDIBLY POLITE) experience that the sidewalk is nowhere for a bike to be in the winter. Unlike roads, sidewalks are frequently unplowed, unsalted, and unsanded, not to mention populated with excessive amounts of unpredictable pedestrians going at much slower rates than the average cyclist wishes to travel at anyway. On the road, there's always the danger of getting hit by a car but on the road cars are also watching out for cyclists (hopefully) because they're expected to be there (supposedly) whereas cars are not watching out for cyclists crossing at stop signs and are actually more likely to run them over if they appear out of nowhere crossing from one sidewalk to the other. Also, I've watched a cop sit in an alleyway and hand out tickets to every sidewalk cyclist like a PETA supporter handing out pictures of mutilated factory farm pigs to unsuspecting passersby. Just don't do it.