The Constant Disappointments of Bus Culture

You know those hilarious short stories, creative non-fiction, and stand-up comedy routines that all centre around the bizarre assortment of people who ride the bus?* There are two types of hilarious bus stories: there's the kind that actually involve bizarre situations (the "...and then this crack addict dressed as a dinosaur climbed on the bus and started handing out pretzels to everyone who would sing the star spangled banner with him"), and the kind that were written by people who clearly haven't spent enough time interacting with the world around them and think having sit next to a stranger is An Event (you know, "oh man the bus was so crazy today! this guy sat down next to me and he was just so...fat...and then, he like, tried to talk to me. it was so weird, he asked me for the time. and stuff. what the hell?").

Just so's we're clear, I'm talking about the first type of story. I'm not really interested in the "I don't know what real people are like and was never informed that I would actually have to interact with one of them" type. I thought I should clarify, since I'm about to start complaining in earnest.


Anyway. Aren't you ever disappointed by how normal the average bus ride is? Growing up on this Wild and Crazy Bus Culture, I used to get on the bus every morning expecting to be offered a bucket of live trout by the guy sitting next to me. I was under the impression that a girl wearing fairy wings and dragon claws was going to show up with a boom box and start rapping about a boiled goose. I thought some 19-year-old kid with spiky hair was going to fall in love with me because I offered him a stick of gum, and would proceed to lock the doors shut and hold the bus driver hostage until I agreed to marry him. I at least expected one creepy guy with a stack of porno mags to be on the bus at all times.

The wildest thing that happened to me this year was the time I sat next to a guy with a ukelele and accidentally got my foot caught in his ukelele case when I tried to get off at my stop, and the hilarity only lasted the ten seconds it took me to get untangled.

My other "crazy" bus rides include:
-the time the woman beside me asked me where I got my cupcakes from (answer: my place of work. would you like one?)
-the time I got to overhear this girl go on a monologue about the night before when she drank 2 cans of redbull and then found out her boyfriend wasn't going to pick her up for that party after all. Man was she pissed.
-the numerous times I've gotten on the bus and noticed an acquaintance of mine is on the bus and have had to make the quick decision to avoid all eye contact and pretend not to have seen them (this can be exhausting depending on the length of bus ride and the proximity of the person to me), or notice them and engage them in awkward conversation for the next 25 minutes.
 
I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, Amy, you're the crazy person on the bus! The weird girl who gets stuck in ukelele cases and hands out cupcakes and pretends everyone around her is invisible. Add to this the fact that I used to wear cat ears, a dress made out of pillow cases, and a full-length hooded cape and you may have a point there. But that's besides MY point. I don't care if I entertain other people. I deserve some entertainment myself!

Which is why I think we're missing the main point with all the bus-fare-hike nonsense that's going on right now. Let's stop talking about 20-cent increases and start talking about the real elephant in the room: why isn't transit providing me with the experience that general societal fears have lead me to expect? I won't be satisfied until at least one half-naked, tattooed, 80-year-old, ferret-toting man with a trombone is added to the transit plan. I think we can all agree, I have a real point here.


*Like these:
Dave Chapelle (Warning: VERY not safe for work)
Tales of Mere Existence (kind of not safe for work)
A tedious anti-bus rap: