No, sorry, it's not a hilarious blog-post. It's just another rant about my perfect body.

I know, I know. There are some links I just shouldn't click on, and some articles I shouldn't read. But then I wouldn't have anything to complain about. So, moving on...

I am completely and entirely fed up with articles that tell me how to dress for my body type. The end result being I should just stop reading them, but the reality being that I will continue to read and complain about them for the rest of my life. I have no problem with suggestions about what to wear to make myself look good. I just don't like the general assumptions about what makes me look less good*. It would be fine if the article were titled something like "Tell us what part of you is the ugliest and we'll show you how to hide it," instead of titling it something like "A Little Black Dress for every body". Then I would know what to expect.


A popular form of fashion advice is 'fashion for your figure', articles which are supposed to suggest styles that will look good on you based on what your general shape is. I'm what is popularly known as pear-shaped/triangle-shaped/'bottom-heavy', and fashion articles tend not to be very nice to the pears of the world.

Take the article I was foolish enough to read. Here is what they say about the 'top heavy' woman:
"FULL BUST: Flatter your womanly figure by showing off your legs and great cleavage."
No problems there, they seem pretty positive about the large-breasted types. Now let's try something for my shape:
"BOTTOM-HEAVY: A-lines that hit around the knee area draw attention away from problem areas."

Problem-areas?  What problem-areas? The article then goes on to suggest I wear a full ball-gown to really hide my 'problem'. Because there are just so many instances where a hoop-skirt and 7 layers of crinolines would be appropriate these days. I am tired of being told not to wear pleated skirts, or anything form fitting, or to stick with flowing fabrics, or to give up and just drape myself in a sheet. Just once, I would like to read a fashion magazine that says something more like:
"BOTTOM-HEAVY: Wear something short and form-fitting to show off those curves! Why not try a spandex body-suit!" (Hey, I never said I actually planned on taking the advice)
Or maybe even:
"Bottom-Heavy: Wear whatever the fuck you like. Why are you letting me tell you how to dress, anyway?"



*It's like that time I had my first make-up consultation and the makeup artists asked me what I liked least about my face because she could help me hide it. I don't like being reminded what the point of makeup is. I prefer to live in the dream-land where the main purpose of makeup is to have an excuse to tickle your face with paint brushes.