This weekend marked my first brush with penis cupcakes. I've made boob cupcakes plenty of times, and I've made little cupcake butts (with the cake died the bright pink of raw meat so that party-goers could pretend they were biting into raw flesh when they ate them); if you make a round, tasty object, someone will eventually call in and ask you to turn it into a pair of breasts. It's inevitable. But people don't usually think 'penis' when they think 'cupcake'.
First of all, don't ever do a google image search for penis clip art, unless you want to see disturbing pictures of what happens to penises after they die. Usually, my cupcake art involves a fair amount of tracing but after I saw the penis zombies I realized I was going to have to free-hand this, because no way was I continuing my image search.
I was actually quite proud of my penis cupcakes; it was my first free-hand drawing event, and, having spent the last week studying the art of the Underground Comix Movement (which is entirely built off of depictions of human genitalia), I felt that I could count this batch of cupcakes as an homage to R. Crumb. I pictured the bridesmaid who ordered them coming to pick them up and being wowed by my artistic nuances. She would be a purveyor of comix. She would say "this is reminiscent of the artwork in Binky Brown meets the Virgin Mary!" (she didn't). We would have a bonding moment (we didn't).
The customer wasn't nearly as excited by my drawing skills as I was, but that was okay, because I had the foresight to take a picture of my handywork. I spent the next 3 hours at a birthday party, showing my 12 penises to anyone who would sit still for long enough.
The next morning, on my way to church, I discovered that my phone wallpaper is now set to a picture of 12 chocolate penis cupcakes. Try as I might, I can't seem to change this.
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