Hilarious Shenanigans to Avoid Doing (especially if you're drunk)

So, you're hanging out with your best buddies, possibly imbibing some of those bad-judgement-call-inducing beverages we've all heard tales about, and after a few you realize that you want to do something wild and crazy--something hilarious, something where you can all look back on your lives and say "hey, remember that time we did that wild crazy thing? was that not hilarious? we were so very cool back then."

But, as has already been pointed out, depending on what you've been consuming, your ability to make rational decisions may not be the best. Now everyone who has been in this type of situation should have some sort of fail safe rule-of-thumb to ensure that they don't get carried away in their shenanigans. Some possible rules I've heard of are: Will I be too embarrassed to show my face at work tomorrow if I do this (if so, do not proceed)? Will there be photos of this that I will be embarrassed for my grandmother to see and since we are Facebook friends, she most definitely will (if so, do not proceed)? Will I go to jail (if so, do not proceed)?

Watch those renovations or your house will become the latest cat gym

Years ago, I found out that it is possible our house started out as a small shack just the size of our kitchen. The rumour started based on the fact that the kitchen is made of a different set of materials than the rest of the house and if you move the fridge you can see the seam where the kitchen and the rest of the house are joined. You can also see the crack in the middle of the kitchen wall where part of the place is clearly sinking into its own foundations, and I often envision the house cracking in two and going under, much like the titanic. But that's another post for another time.

Jane Austen's Guide to Marrying a Millionaire: 18th Century Values for a 21st Century World

After a short conversation with a friend of mine where we exchanged a combo of Pride and Prejudice quotes and dating advice, I realized that a Jane Austen dating guide post was long overdue*. I am sure those of you who did not grow up on the BBC's P&P mini-series and who do NOT collapse in a fit of giggles if someone says 'All the Officers!' will find this guide especially helpful, because I can only assume you will take it even more seriously. And so, without further ado, I bring you

I'm alive, but my cellphone doesn't work...so is it a good day or not?

When I'm feeling negative, I like to set up a list of pros and cons of the week to help me realize that my life probably isn't so bad. Actually, this is a lie. I don't do pro-and-con lists unless I'm strapped for things to blog about, so this list is for all you lovely viewers. Hope it makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside.

day whitaout pen

No, the title of this post is not proof that I am a) drunk, b) finally taking a stand against the proof-reading police or c) giving up on the English language entirely. Apparently, "day whitaout pen" is one of the key searchterms people use to find my blog (and thanks to this post, the next time you're doing a google search for a day whitaout pen, my blog is twice as likely to pop up. You're welcome.).

I hadn't checked up on my blogging stats in a while, and I was delighted to find that my top search keywords now include:

-cat is hacking and breathe smells like fish
-is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for
-crumb genitalia
and, most importantly,
-natalie pollock's boobs.

"disturbing post" was also in there, but that's to be expected.

Spinsterhood: the nature vs nurture debate

I think my brother moved out on Friday. One can never be sure of these things; he could just be on an extended sleepover/roadtrip/crime spree with his friends. He didn't exactly say goodbye to me; the only indication that he had possibly moved out was a facebook status update detailing the list of items he was packing (throwing knives, bowie knives, halbards, machetes, video games, no clothes).

Then his tricorner hat mysteriously disappeared from its place on the hallway nule post, which is always a good indication that he's vacated the premises, at least temporarily.

My Neighbourhood Drug War and the danger of West End streets

A little bit ago, one of the more notorious houses on my street had a bit of a drive-by shooting. Just a bit of one, mind you; no one died, and my motto has always been "I'm not worried unless death is involved," so when a news crew showed up on my doorstep and wanted to talk to me about violence in the West End I responded with nonchalance bordering on naivety.

I maintained that I had lived in the area for about 18 years and I had never feared for my safety, went on a monologue about how nice it is to live here, and encouraged viewers to come on down and tour the neighbourhood.