Hilarious Shenanigans to Avoid Doing (especially if you're drunk)

So, you're hanging out with your best buddies, possibly imbibing some of those bad-judgement-call-inducing beverages we've all heard tales about, and after a few you realize that you want to do something wild and crazy--something hilarious, something where you can all look back on your lives and say "hey, remember that time we did that wild crazy thing? was that not hilarious? we were so very cool back then."

But, as has already been pointed out, depending on what you've been consuming, your ability to make rational decisions may not be the best. Now everyone who has been in this type of situation should have some sort of fail safe rule-of-thumb to ensure that they don't get carried away in their shenanigans. Some possible rules I've heard of are: Will I be too embarrassed to show my face at work tomorrow if I do this (if so, do not proceed)? Will there be photos of this that I will be embarrassed for my grandmother to see and since we are Facebook friends, she most definitely will (if so, do not proceed)? Will I go to jail (if so, do not proceed)?



However, after a certain bakery we all know and love became the target of some (most likely inebriated) hooligan's hilarious vandalism project, I would suggest a far superior rule of thumb, which goes: If I do this, will someone probably die? (if yes, please DO NOT proceed).

Now, let's apply this to some situations. Situation one: Your friend excitedly announces that you're all going to go draw a 50-foot-long penis on the cafeteria wall at (insert university here). You love drawing male genitalia on random objects and are eager to join in, but first, ask yourself this question: Will someone probably die?

Chances are, while some individuals may be offended by your actions and at least one embarrassed parent will have to convince their 5-year-old daughter to NOT copy your wall art and start drawing it all over her Disney Princess Lunchbox, it is unlikely that disturbing drawing will kill anyone. So go right ahead! Draw away!

Situation two: Your friend excitedly announces that you're going to try to rob a bank with a magic marker, just like in Bandits. You have always dreamed of reenacting this scene and do, in fact, have a magic marker on you at the time--but wait! Is this a good idea? Apply that rule of thumb of yours...

Chances are, in the state you are currently in, your ability to convince anyone that the marker in your hand is actually a gun are slim to none. If you do manage to bluff your way through it, unless some security guard decides to perform some heroics, chances are, no, no one will die. You MAY go to jail, but hey, jail is better than death, and at least you'll have a great story to tell while you're in there! So go right ahead! Knock that bank over.

Situation three: Your hilarious friend wants to rip the chimney off of the roof of a commercial bakery. Who knows why. Maybe your friend was insulted by the supreme shininess of the metal pipe, maybe he wants to fashion it into a snazzy new hat, maybe he's going to raise a family of hamsters in there. You'd love to join him, but wait! Is it a good idea? Could your chimney theft accidentally cause the death of the bakery staff?!

You may not believe it, but the answer is, quite likely! You see, young drunken hooligan, a chimney is more than just the tube Santa slides down when he comes to fill the stockings of good cake decorators with tiny fondant flowers. In a commercial bakery with a gas oven, that chimney is ALSO the exhaust pipe that ensures the bakery doesn't fill up with carbon monoxide, thusly, the thing you just tore off of the roof was the safety valve ensuring that no one in the bakery got carbon monoxide poisoning. What's that, you ask? Why, carbon monoxide is an odorless, colourless, tasteless, non-irritating, TOXIC gas. Inhaling it can lead to hypoxic injury, neurological damage, and, you guessed, it--DEATH.

Now, luckily, breaking off a chimney doesn't NECESSARILY mean the place will flood with CO, immediately killing all inhabitants. But it's much more likely to get CO poisoning when there's no chimney on your bakery, especially when no one notices there is no chimney, and there aren't any CO detectors inside it (the one good thing that came of all this is that now we have those, oh yes). So, while it might not have happened this time, I highly suggest you don't risk it.*

So, to review:
Appropriate hijinks to get up to when you're drunk:
Making lewd drawings on walls;
Robbing banks.
Hijinks you should avoid AT ALL COSTS (even if you're sober):
Stealing chimneys from commercial bakeries.

If you don't think you'll remember those simple rules for the next time you decide to do something idiotic, I suggest you print out that list and stow it in a handy place like in your wallet, or tattooed to your arm.

*Not to mention, if you apply those other Rules of Thumb to the above situation, you'll find that unwittingly killing several people is also something you'll be too embarrassed for your grandmother to find out about through Facebook, will most likely be shameful enough to prevent you from returning to work for quite some time, and could easily land your ass in jail on manslaugheter charges/reckless endangerment if you're caught. So all in all, it's just a bad idea, by anyone's standards.